Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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