I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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