I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
