I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
