Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
