I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
