My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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