I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
my shit smells like andre
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Randomize
