You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
She has the best kind of daddy issues
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
