She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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