So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
