My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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