Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
