Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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