My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
