He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
