Is it normal to miss your booty call?
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Randomize
