i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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