i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
