Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
