You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
