She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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