I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
