I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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