When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
