You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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