I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
