I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
