Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
