I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
