The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
