Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
