and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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