glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
