drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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