you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Floor bacon is actually really good
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
