i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
