Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Fuck me I smell like cheese
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
