I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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