I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Sext me about skeletons
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
