Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
