either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Say something about gay babies.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He felt like a one man threesome
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
