peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
