I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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