I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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