At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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