She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Randomize
