My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I looked at my own cervix.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
