The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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