I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
literally had 100 drinks last night.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
