I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
