My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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