Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
