apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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