she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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