I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
