Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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