just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
did i walk over a car last night?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
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