They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
